i d e n t i c a l
by Clear Cyan
Summary: Rin harbors a tale, a story that we identify yet overlook its effect. Len craves affection and will not hold regret at the cost of gaining, be it from his body or soul. The two will achieve what they always wanted: Rin; a listener – Len; love. But one must push aside their selfish wish to save the other.[KaitoXRin,(Twincest)LenXRin]Limes!No Lemons! Rated M to be safe! ON HOLD!
1. Identical

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the following characters' in this story besides the Kagamine parents and plot line. All rights go to the respectful owners. _**This story is purely from my own thoughts and any references to the book: **identical By Ellen Hopkins **is purely coincidental!**_** (****I've never read the book before!)**

**Character's**: Len, Rin, Kaito, Lola and Yuuma.

**Warning**!This story may not be suitable for teens under the age of sixteen (who am I kidding?). Contains: Drug usage, sexual themes/contact, foul language, attempted suicide, r*pe, dark narration/dialogue, incest(?) and much more. **Rating **_will _go up in the future. **You have been Warned.**

**Story Started**: 3/27/13 -

**Note:** This chapter is not edited. Half-a**ed Summary is now replaced with a more, er, suitable Summary. **Len** and** Rin** might be considered OOC from their 'normal' perspectives within this story.

**A/N**: Oh! Hello! Didn't see you there (Har. Har.). Well, nevertheless, I'm glad you've decided to stop by this rest place. Fear not, you won't be disappointed (at least I hope...). But wait! I still need to enlighten you about a few things first (I take it you read the above?). First, this is my first time posting anything I've ever written in First Person so bear with it (if I need improvement, feel free to say so). Second, this Story was inspired by three songs. The first is Virgin Suicides _by_ Kagamine Len - which gave me motivation for writing Len's POV -, then it's Until We Bleed _by_ Kleerup ft Lykkie Li - which gave me motivation for writing Rin's POV- and lastly Heat Haze Days (version) by Kagamine Rin - which made me combine the ideas into one story! Do the songs hold anything with the story? Don't know, you're just gunna have to read to find out.

* * *

~**Len Kagamine**~

Chapter One: Identical

* * *

Identical twins.

Can you even compared the things I go through?

How it feels to wake up in the morning, grab your already prepared clothes for the day, make your way to the hall bathroom that you share with your twin only to stop at the mirror upon entering and stare at the person observing you.

You want to ask, on pure impulse, "_What are you doing here?_" whilst staring at the person's cyan blue eyes that reflect your very own. But then you realize, after a minute or two, that that person is you; mocking you with blonde bed hair, dull cut eyes, high cheek bones, body frame and all.

_Almost_.

You suddenly have this strange urge; this peculiar, bizarre urge to scowl at the reflection and put a fist to her face but you stop yourself once you've realized that you were indeed just about to do that like every morning.

And then you ponder back, like many times, back to you and her - mirrored identical twins.

So, understand that when I look into the mirror, I see _her_ staring back at me. Her right is my left, whilst my left is her right, no question.

One egg. One sperm. One zygote sharing the same, divided, genetic genes.

Truthfully, I believe Rin is the egg; she takes after Mother so very much is makes me query why.

_Cold_.

_Controlled_.

And I?

I take after Father - the sperm. Daddy: All me. But sometimes, I wonder why, too? Why do I take after Father even though...

_Coward_.

_Fake_.

Me and Rin are exact... exact _opposites_; the same on the outside yet so very different when it comes to what lies within.

But sometimes when I gaze at the mirror, shifting between those eyes, I muse how polar opposites can be twins?

Good, bad.

Left or right.

Len and Rin.

One egg, one sperm, split into two.

But do we share the same soul?

I chuckle at that thought running through my mind as I perform my daily routine for school: Quick rinse, change into the school uniform, brush my teeth and style my hair.

Once done, I look over myself once more from the mirror. And even though I can undoubtedly see the difference between me and Rin, I still see her, staring at me with a melancholy expression.

With a shake of my head to pure my thoughts, I make my way out of the bathroom and expect to run into Rin waiting outside that wooden door but to no one's surprise, she's still in our room, waiting.

You'll think our parents (you know, the ones who gave us life) would care to let the both of us have our own room but being the adults they are, me and Rin will forever share a room just like our image.

But if you were to waltz into our room, you'll know the difference almost immediately. I have the left whilst she harbors the right.

Passing the shared room, I walk down the stairs, pass the kitchen then straight out the door.

What? No good-bye to my parents?

Sorry, but I don't even think they'd hear it even if I did.

Mother is off in her study, drowning in sorrow over what had happen even though it was years ago and Father? Well, he's already off at work: pretending that his family doesn't hold a dark and abysmal secret.

What secret? I can't tell you, sorry. It's just not in my place to tell - it's a secret for a reason, you know?

But even if I did tell, no one would believe me.

_Untellable._

_Unbelievable._

Is it a secret that possess juicy specifics? Is it a secret that is haunting? Is it a secret that once heard you don't believe it because of the exterior image?

I wish I could tell you, honestly, I do.


	2. Secret

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the following characters' in this story besides the Kagamine parents and plot line. All rights go to the respectful owners. _**This story is purely from my own thoughts and any references to the book: **identical By Ellen Hopkins **is purely coincidental!**_** (****I've never read the book before!)**

**Character's**: Len, Rin, Kaito, Lola and Yuuma.

**Story Started**: 3/27/13 -

**Note:** Chapter not edited. **Len** and** Rin** might be considered OOC from their 'normal' perspectives within this story.  
**A/N:** 40 Views on the first chapter, awesome. Surprised me even. I want to thank the three who've Followed this story and to _SilentAuthor22_ for being my first reviewer: This chapter wasn't planned to be written from Rin's POV but you got me thinking ;)

* * *

~**Rin Kagamine**~

Chapter Two: Secret

* * *

A secret? Does the Kagamine family possess such a thing?

Maybe.

I guess.

Sort of.

I mean, the signs are all here waving in their faces like a billboard with flashing lights. But Mommy looks them over with a cool glass of wine and Daddy walks right on through, like nothing is out of ordinary.

Yet it is, Daddy, Mommy. Don't you see? Do you not have your eyes open? Your ear perked for listening? Are those two senses dull?

I'm not like my twin, Len. I don't put the blame on others. I don't run away from my problems. I don't substitute other objects, even people, to cover up my lies. I don't say that "It's not my place..." when it really is. I'm not stupid like him. I want to tell. Tell anyone that's willing.

But no one wants to _listen_! Why? Why don't they want to know? Don't human beings crave this sort of satisfaction of secrets and rumors? Don't they? _Don't they!?_

_Infernal_.

_Sinister_.

I've tried telling Mommy but she just won't put that campaign down. You'd think she'd want to know it since it is, in fact, a family secret. We all 'know' it. So why doesn't she want to hear me out?

A minute or two Mommy – just one or two of your _precious_ minutes. I know your work is important and that glass needs to be refilled, but it will only take a minute if you listen.

But I don't get my way with Mommy unlike Len, who's Mommy's favorite while I, Rin, is Daddy's.

We both have, at least, affection from one parent just..._ just not the right one_.

_Sorrowful_.

_Pathetic_.

Mommy's pathetic. I know she is and she knows herself. Everyone can see it - just no one is brave enough to tell her face-to-face.

She's fragile, elegant, and plastic. She has a wall around her so high that I don't think she could possibly jump over it herself.

But I'm the same. I have a wall around me. I have an outer character like Mommy. So why doesn't she choose me?

I hide from my so-called friends.

Oh, no. They 'know' me. They all 'know' Rin. They just don't know inner Rin. True Rin. _Hurtful Rin_.

But I'm afraid to show them. Scared that I'll lose them even though they and I aren't very close.

Does it matter? To have friends?

I'm not sure. I mean, you'll never see your high school friends ever again in the world, right? I'll probably never talk to them if I go to college (no, no. I _will_ go to college, Daddy says so).

But that's still a long ways to go; I'm still only sixteen years old, still under my parent's control, still harboring a secret that Daddy wouldn't like to hear out in the open.

.

It's the middle of the day, lunch block for me.

Normally, you'd think that someone like me would prefer to be surrounded by people at a lunch table, right?

Wait, what do I mean by 'someone like me'? You don't know? Well, I guess I can tell you, it's not like _that's_ the secret.

The Kagamines is a wealthy family with Mrs. Kagamine as a top fashion designer while Mr. Kagamine is an understandable, fair judge.

Us? The twins? We're the perfect picture of a _normal_ family. The offspring's that hold straight A's, the perfect daughter/son, the ideal teenagers that cause no trouble. But that's only on the surface, my dear friend. Only the surface.

The world doesn't see what lies behind those curtains after the show, no. All they saw was _the show_ and nothing more. They saw actors act; pretend that their own life isn't hectic that it almost cost them to be fired. Nope. No one sees that. No one.

Stupid, don't you think? No one dares to see the true meaning and only take what is given to them.

No one notices the _secrets_ leaking.

_Normal_.

_Ordinary_.

I wish my family was normal again. Before_ that_ happen.

I faintly remember when Mommy was a Mommy and Daddy was a Daddy. I remember they both shared the same affection equally between us. I remember how I and Len thought Mommy and Daddy were in love.

But that was before Daddy twisted that line of destiny and fate as one. That was before Daddy's own judgment overcorrected him. Made him sharp that line and jerk onto unpaved space. Then back to leading traffic, over the double yellow line and across two streets. That was before that eighteen wheeled truck slide opened the passenger side wide-apart. That was before permit death hung above him in the driver seat, body frozen and scars no plastic surgeon could ever think of repairing.

Yup, that was all _before_.

Afterward, our family broke apart.

Mommy: A soul trapped in marble.

Daddy: A stranger who will forever be blamed by Mommy. He's tried to 'make her see' his side of the so-called 'story' but she's cold to him and yet he stays by her side.

Why?

None of us are ever home. We all prefer work or school. Those places are more homely then this cage of bricks.

_Right_.

_Wrong_.

But no one suspects the broken shades of the Kagamine's do they? They don't see the tough judge on his knees, pleading for forgiveness from his wife and offspring's.

Unable to rise.

Unable to fight.

They don't suspect the all-powerful judge to crave affection from his daughter with open arms, pleading to please, _please_ love him like Mommy use to.


	3. Hint

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the following characters' in this story besides the Kagamine parents and plot line. All rights go to the respectful owners. _**This story is purely from my own thoughts and any references to the book: **identical By Ellen Hopkins **is purely coincidental!**_** (****I've never read the book before!)**

**Character's**: Len, Rin, Kaito, Lola and Yuuma.

**Story Started**: 3/27/13 -

**Note:** Chapter not edited. Contains language and hinted theme. **Len** and** Rin** might be considered OOC from their 'normal' perspectives within this story.  
**A/N:** 127 views. Gots some silent readers I see. Towards the end of this chapter, I had writer's block because I didn't know how to go about it, so I hope I did somewhat well.  
**BlueAnimeBunnies:** I try my best for Rin's POV's :) Thank you for taking the time to review.  
**RoseKat and SkyVic:** Woah here! Thank you for reviewing on _both_ chapter's, Dear! Even though it isn't a 'need', it's very kind of you ;) Thank you (again) for these detailed reviews, I love to read them and I'm glad you can get the picture for both Len and Rin - tone nevertheless! I'm glad you've enjoyed my ending lines and Line 16, as you say :D

* * *

~**Len Kagamine~**

Chapter Three: Hint

* * *

Mother? I don't think she deserves that title. Well, not anymore if I have a say in anything.

Frankly, I despise her with all of my heart. She's a cold-hearted _bitch _ever since _that_ day. A _bitch_ whom hardly pays attention to her _own fucking daughter_! A _bitch_ whom doesn't see the obvious signs. A _bitch_ whom only pays hid to me, her son, and only me.

Heck, I wouldn't be surprise if she's a fucking cunt! Honestly, a women her age coming home on weekends _and_ weekdays looking rather tried out then she should for a fashion designer, I'd be surprise if she _wasn't_ sleeping around.

But, ah, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. I need to focus on Neru, or well, meeting her.

She's late again, but what's new?

Now, don't go getting my intentions wrong here. I don't hold any affection towards that cellphone crazed girl - but she's my only connection to _it_.

You know, Neru amazes me at how much she gets every time she comes over after school. It makes me wonder_ how_ she gets it. Or, well, I _use_ to wonder how she got it all but I soon found out how: From her sister, Lily.

And again, I'm amazed because Lily sure knows how to keep her body _clean_ after all she does for _it_.

_Unfathomable_.

_Filthy_.

It? What is _it_, you ask? How funny that you don't even know. Didn't even pick up the clues. Here's a clue: Green.

Still nothing? Alright, I'll tell you flat out.

Weed, pot, marijuana - you know it, that green little bud that makes you go numb; if only for a little bit.

Honestly, life has gotten better - or well should I say more bearable - ever since I was introduced to marijuana.

At first, I couldn't even handle a puff or two but gradually it became bearable; addicting even.

It's pleasurable, indeed. That rolled up fatty, just waiting patiently to be lit and puffed. Then the bitter taste circles around your tongue, up to the roof of your mouth then flow on around. Oh no, don't swallow (look at that, you actually learn something in Health) just let it sit for a couple of seconds or so then release as your body tingles with numbness and buzz.

Damn, Neru better come in the next minute! I'm dying without it here, listening to these stupid people trying to talk to me.

"_Hey, you going home at this time?_"

"_...it was, right?_"

"_...project... honor class..._"

"_Kaito's looking for you..._"

Ha! Kaito? Looking for me? Are they stupider then they lead on? Do I even _look_ like Rin right now? Fucking idiots!

Damn it's sure aggravating to be mistaken for your twin - more so for me since my twin is a _female_.

It's extremely mess up. Do I appear as female somehow under my nose? Do I have a bust that I don't notice? Sure, my voice is a little feminine for my cup of coke but it still sounds masculine, right?

_Fuck_, I cursed to myself. God dang people got me doubting myself.

Of course, they can never make me to the point of depression. Only one person can and has.

Father: Why do you love Rin more than me? Is something wrong with me? Did I not turn out to be the _straight_ son you've dreamed of? Or is it because Rin is so much like that _bitch_, Mother?

Would you prefer I call you "Daddy" instead of "Father"?

I can be like Rin, too, Father. Just give me a chance. That's all - just one chance.

_Failure_.

_Disgrace_.

I hate it when you always give me a look of distaste but for Rin? Oh no, she's your daughter, she doesn't _deserve_ that type of look; she gets an entirely different gaze from you.

Why?

Am I really, truthfully, a failure... Father?

"Oi! Are you Len?"

It's only because her appearance is that of Mother's, isn't it? That's the only reason, correct?

"Hey kid, you Len?"

I wish Mother would just halt on her drowning and swim her way up to the surface and back to you for that you'd both be the same again and that you'll stop looking at me with such... with such _eyes_!

"Little punk! You've got five seconds to answer me or I'm leaving: Are. You. Len?" a relatively deep voice asked with resists towards frustration.

I jerk my head up from staring at the ground and lock eyes with a dude a couple of years older than me inside a rose colored Ford GT. _The hell drives a pink car?_

"Uh, yeah. I'm Len. Why?"

The guy scrunches up his pale nose and narrows his golden colored eyes at me, making me feel prickly under his gaze.

Within the seconds the guy is 'checking me out', I do the same.

I take in his pink saggy hair under a black beanie, glimmering gold eyes, pale completion with a sinister look planted on his face.

"I'm, so to speak, 'filling in' for Neru today. She had somewhere to go."

"Oh." came my clever reply. Usually, Neru would text me that she won't be here for our daily 'meet' but to actually have a substitute for this?

I swallow the thick lump in my throat, ignore the warning in my head, try to shake the fear and nervousness from my system, and walk towards the passenger side, open the door and slid in.

He smiles and I think - could be my imagination or some other emotion which my body tingles at it.

"So Len, Neru told me how you pay..."

_Immoral_.

_Unfavorable_.

My head feels light, my fingers are tingling like needles are piercing them, I can unmistakably hear my heart thrashing in my ears and it's giving me a headache; my legs are quivering but I've surpassed most of it from being visible. Dang it! I haven't even gotten some green into my system yet I'm starting to feel numb already!

I swallow my heart in my throat and avoid eye contact as he remains to speak.

"...but I'm a bit iffy about that." His eyes become cloudy and I misplace the emotion with something else. "Of course, it's completely up to you, Len."

Now, I could listen to that loud warning in my head or ignore it. But you see I'm here for a reason.

So why does my mouth feel so dry?

"How much do you want _it,_ Len?"

He's right - how much _do I_ want it.

"How much are you willing to pay, Len?"

My dry throat swallows whilst he leans over the arm rest towards my left ear and whispers to me:

"_How much, Len?_"

And my body betrays me.


	4. Duplicitous

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the following characters' in this story besides the Kagamine parents and plot line. All rights go to the respectful owners. _**This story is purely from my own thoughts and any references to the book: **identical By Ellen Hopkins **is purely coincidental!**_** (****I've never read the book before!)**

**Character's**: Len, Rin, Kaito, Lola and Yuuma.

**Story Started**: 3/27/13 -

**Note:** Chapter not edited. **Len** and** Rin** might be considered OOC from their 'normal' perspectives within this story.  
**A/N: **From 127 views to 279. *whistles* Don't know about you, but that's a big step for me. Hope you enjoy this chapter! Not to mention after hearing "I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry" (by wonderful KAITO), writing this story has never been more easier.  
******RoseKat and SkyVic: **I'm just posting this for reads, simple enough :) But yes, that is my intention for Len; I want to see if I can stray as far as possible from his stereotype without breaking the line. Hope this chapter is of liking.

* * *

~**Rin Kagamine~**

Chapter Four: Duplicitous

* * *

You know what teenagers label those who ride the bus after and before school?

Losers – simple as that. And I think I fit that description to the tee, no?

I'll admit it; I'm not as strong as I lead on. No, I'm weak and pathetic like... like Mommy.

Maybe that's way Len hates me so much, because I'm like the spitting image of _her_. Inner and out, that's me. A girl who puts up a front and the only one to see through it is Len and...

No, only him. He's the only one. He's always the one to see what's wrong with me. He's the...

_Why_? Why do I always get emotional when I think about him? Is there a specific reason that I can't see? Is it the reason why I always see him smirking at me in the shadows? Or frowning with disfavor when we pass by each other?

What is the reason? Why has he become this way? How?

_Mommy_.

_Daddy_.

It's because of them. I see now. It's their entire fault, not mine yet I just happen to be in the way of his and their mixed emotions.

Walking down the sidewalk at 6:00 PM is a bit warily for my taste since I tend to be bit paranoid yet I do it nevertheless. It beats then being at home, staring at the wall in boredom, waiting for something to happen but then dreading it if something does.

Funny how one moment I'm strong willed and has a front up so high that it's unbreakable but then, within a split second, my steel wall shatters and leaves me valuable.

I hate it when I become valuable to others, it gives them the upper hand and you _never_ want to give others the upper hand. Never.

But I already had made that mistake. Already have someone else to pity me besides myself and yet I'm fine with that since he doesn't say anything or questions or push forth topics. He's just there for me and God knows I need that type of warmth other than...

My heart jumps to my throat when the loud sound of a car horn howls besides me.

That's when I panic for some unknown reason. My eyes scan my surrounding, my heart hammers in my chest, ready to break my rib cage and escape.

And when I turn, deliberately, to the person in that vehicle, I see, if not for a second, the male that haunts my dreams every night. The male that makes me feel insecure. The male that I once trust then turned on me when I needed him the most.

But then the image quickly disappears as soon as it came and I see that it isn't that male but my friend. My true friend.

That's when I realized something again. I haven't talked to them in over two weeks, something that's completely unusual even though I don't quite talk a lot (no, that's probably an understatement too).

So I avoid eye contact and pretend I don't hear them blasting their horn like a mad-man because in truths, I've been -

"Avoiding me, are we?" I didn't even hear him roll down the passenger window nor hear the first part of his sentence.

I pucker my lips and pick up my speed.

"Rin." he spoke in a warning voice. Too serious if you ask me.

I continue my pace in ease.

"Rin..." I can clearly hear the tires slowly gliding across the gravel road and with a sigh, I turn to him.

"Kaito..." I whined like a spoiled brat but it's short livid once I take a look at his expression. Indeed. He's too serious for the usually Kaito.

"Get in the car, we need to talk." not a question or a friendly way of asking. I obey without further thought.

Within these minutes of uncomfortable silence, I'm seriously thinking about jumping out of this moving vehicle.

"Earlier, towards the end of lunch..." Kaito started but then paused, as if unsure if he should speak his next words.

I want to heave a sigh and roll my eyes at this serious Kaito because in all honestly, 'serious Kaito' is 'seriously emotional'.

"...I had asked Miku if she could find you and ask you to come meet me, but she said that you'd ignored her and walked off towards the parking lot..." he sounded sad, as if I've hurt him ten times over.

_Regret_.

_Useless_.

"What are you talking about Kai? I was at the library the whole time." I reply with the truth but really, he should know better than to think I spend my lunch outside with people or inside for the matter.

His frown falls deeper as he parks his car next to the basketball court, turns off the engine and stares. He narrows his eyes and tilts his head, raises his right hand to cup his chin and pouted his lips.

I wanted to laugh at Kaito's thinking face because honestly, it's too adorable.

"But... Mikuo also saw you there, in the parking lot ta..." he expression quickly took on a dark emotion.

I blink at him, "What? But Kaito, I just said I wasn't at the parking lot. I mean, do I really have a reason to be there since I don't have a car? Do you not believe me?" my voice had hitched at the end of my short livid rant and for some reason, my eyes feel tingly.

His ocean blue eyes widen whilst he turns to me in panic, "What? No! I believe you, Rin! It's just... just..." he made a thoughtful expression, "who did Miku and Mikuo mistake?"

"Len, of course." I say without a thought. I don't need to think about that answer since Len always hangs around the parking lot for God knows what.

His face turns blank in half a second; I think he even stopped breathing. He took an inhale, opened his mouth but my expression (whatever it was) must have told him something else and caused him to just say, "Oh".

I smile brightly at him whilst ruffling his head full of blue hair and he smiles back. For some reason, I feel relief that he dropped the subject. Relief that felt as if I hadn't been caught red-handed even though I know I did nothing wrong.

Climbing out of his car, we head to the basketball court with Kaito's favored blue ball.

.

Kaito apologies about taking me home late and I tell him, over and over, that it's fine. Within the two hours that we spent at the basketball court, Kaito had return to his idiotic self which made the rest of the minutes more enjoyable.

I quietly make my way up the porch and unlocked in silence as Kaito drives away. Cautiously, I inspect the area inside before I even put a foot in.

The lights are all off save for the hall which means everyone is asleep. _Good_.

Locking the door and taking off my shoes, I quickly dart my way to the stairs, ignoring Mommy that has knocked out at the dinner table.

Quickly, I close the door to Len and my room, walk over to the dresser and change into my pajama's but for some odd reason I feel... _dirty_.

Nibbling on my inner lower lip, I inspect my body. Although there seems to be nothing of the ordinary, I take my orange towel and make my way to the bathroom.

Once inside, I take a long, warm shower. And once done, I sit on the rim of the tube and quietly shave my legs with shaking hands which I have no reason to back up. But every so often, I find my eyes drifting to the secret draw that's calling for me.

_Flow_.

_Slash_.


	5. Midnight

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the following characters' in this story besides the Kagamine parents and plot line. All rights go to the respectful owners. _**This story is purely from my own thoughts and any references to the book: **identical By Ellen Hopkins **is purely coincidental!**_** (****I've never read the book before!)**

**Character's**: Len, Rin, Kaito, Lola and Yuuma.

**Story Started**: 3/27/13 -

**Note:** Chapter not edited. **Len** and** Rin** might be considered OOC from their 'normal' perspectives within this story.  
**A/N: **279 views to 555! \(*o*)/ 276 additional views! Remember to always feel free to review your thoughts/comments on chapter's! BTW, I'm totally enjoying writing Len's chapters more then Rin's xD Like this chapter, I had too much fun writing it. Anyone get chills from Len's thoughts?  
******RoseKat and SkyVic:** A hunch, eh? Bet you it's half correct. The narration is vague for a reason, so clues are hidden. I mean this whole time, you'll be guessing which twin will same the other and if there's more to it then meets the eye. And sorry if it's a bit weird reading Len as how I portray him, but personally, I think Len is the best male candidate for this type of personality. Hope you enjoy this chapter~!

* * *

~**Len Kagamine~**

Chapter Five: Midnight**  
**

* * *

Sometimes, I feel filthy whenever I walk in through this entrance to my so-called home. Filthy to an extent that I block out everything, head straight to the shower and roam my trembling hands over my body, trying the best I can to liberate the feeling I have; no matter the protest of my raw thighs, arms, chest and scalp. I must pure myself and feel acceptable again.

_But when will I ever..._

I've done unforgettable things - I'm unforgettable. Everyone in this small town knows me, or well, at least knows my name. Not to mention the rumors of what had happen back then; I'm the center of attention in this town and they know it. But they don't know the truth of _it_. They don't know, not even Mother, Father or Rin for a fact. Only I do. I know the truth.

_But when will I ever tell..._

I'll admit that I've done sinister things since then. Things that no brother should ever do and yet she doesn't protest: break free of my control. Doesn't run to Father and tell because if she did, then she'll know the consequences. Things that will destroy our family.

_But when will I ever tell them..._

Instead of Rin being the immoral twin, I've taken a likely to it and drive her away from it. She doesn't deserve to be the foul twin, I do. Although I know she thinks that it's all her fault even if she doesn't show it; we're twins, we identify when and what the other feels. No matter how profane that emotion is.

_But when will I ever tell them the truth?_

I'm filthy, unforgettable, sinister, foul - I'm everything you can think of, save for the pros of the good side anymore.

Angel or devil. Good or bad? I honestly don't know what I am anymore. What I am to _her_ or _them_.

I was the angle of the family, per se. The good one who obeyed his parents without question; ideal child some called me.

What was Rin like back then? The opposite is the best way I can describe. She would always throw tantrums until she got what she wanted, cry if something small went wrong or didn't go her way, wanted everything to be hers, and wanted Father's attention more than Mother's.

Well look now, Rin, you've got Father's attention. So why do you want Mother's now? Still can't learn to share? Still a stuck up brat? Someone with a wall made of steel that only melts when I come around? Are you ever going to quit putting the blame on me for everything that goes wrong in your life?

I guess something's never change.

_Difference_.

_Strange_.

Today is one of those strange days.

Strange how?

For starters, I don't really remember much after sliding into Yuuma's car; I'm actually surprise he gave me his name since he didn't look like the type to 'spill the beans', you know?

But looks can be deceiving.

And boy, was I deceived and stupid. That should've been my sign to say forget it and got out of that car because by that time, I had forgotten what I needed that bud for.

But he severed his first severing to me, got me curious about a few things. Then came seconds and I was more than eager to accept that bowl and by this time, I've already forgotten what I was doing, who was talking to me and where we were.

Then came thirds and I was all for it; enjoying even but I knew it was the green talking, not me. But we both didn't care and took the third.

Yet, when it came to the fourth, some brains cell that I thought I had busted, told me to stop and go. I tried to listen to it, I really did but that fourth severing was worthy, satisfying even. And by the time I knew it, I'm walking home, shivering (from the cold I tell myself), blinking away a prickly feeling (not pain or fear I tell myself) and proceed onward with a limp in my step.

I unlock the front door with trembling hands and step in to only be welcomed by pure darkness.

"What the... Doesn't Mother usually leave the hall light on?" I mumble out loud in a whisper but it sounded more like a whimper to my ears.

I close the door and lock all three locks. Taking off my shoes, I foot my way towards the hall and I'm about to pass the kitchen when I notice something: Mother hunched over the table with papers spread out underneath her with a wine glass in hand, emptied.

I scrunch my nose at her in disgust and disappointment. Turning on my heel, I face the black hall but my feet don't move in that direction but to the living room, next to the sofa and over to the small table. Pulling open the tiny draw, I take out my blanket that I hardly ever use and walk back to Mother.

Standing behind her, I lay the blanket over her shoulders and huff a sigh.

Even though I loathe my Mother with a passion, I know that I'll always be her little boy and that deep down inside of my blacken heart, I love her like a son.

Dragging my feet out of the kitchen after neatly stacking the papers together and placing a water bottle in replace of the wine glass, I walk up stairs to the pitched hallway.

Feeling the wall for the light switch, it dawns on me that we don't have any family pictures up in the hall or down stairs. Do normal families have pictures?

_Images_.

_Illusions_.

I find the switch and flip it to only find my Father peering into my room, as if debating if his next move is wise or not. In fact, I don't even think he notices the drastic change of light in the hallway.

Then I realize something, something good. I finally, after so long, have Father all by myself if only for a few midnight minutes.

"Father?" I couldn't hide the contentment in my voice and maybe that's why he jump at the sound of my voice down the hall, smiling as if I'm going to do something to him, show him that I can be like Rin, too.

He stares at me in utter confusion than turns back to the ajar door then back to me. He wears his question upon his face and my smile deepens.

"What are you doing out here? Do you need something?"

He flinches, straightens his slightly hunched back and takes a step back with wide eyes and an open mouth. It's like he's seeing a ghost in the dark, haunting yet again.

Do I make him scared? Does he fear me to that extent? Is there anything I can do to make him love me?

He licks his dry lips, stares into my eyes that mirror his then utters a simple syllable that makes everything worse.

I can't believe it! Even with me, his son, standing in front of him for a second chance, he thinks of _her_! It isn't fair! It isn't! She's in the room, I'm out here. She's asleep in her bed, dreaming of dreams; I'm out here craving Father's love, begging for another chance but... but... Rin wins again.

"...sorry..." is the only part of his sentence I catch as he brushes by me to the other side of the hall, away from me, away from her - away from _it_.

I guess my facial expression that I'm wearing had scared him off, showed him that I didn't like that name he was about to say, that it's the wrong move and too early. But I drop that façade and collapse to the floor, gripping my styled hair in sorrow as silent tears fall down.

"Stupid... Stupid... _Stupid!_" I whimper, not wanting to wake Rin up, nor Mother or have Father come back here out of pity. I don't want his pity, I don't need it.

"I... I should've -" my voice screeches and for a second there, I realize why I always get mistaken for Rin. My voice, no matter how deep it'll get or not, will always sound like Rin's when I get emotional: whether be it blissful or gloomy. "I should've just let him think I was Rin..." the sentence flows pass my parted lips on their own accorded and I couldn't agree anymore.

That's all I have to do to get Father's attention: Act like Rin, look like Rin - _be like Rin_. And once I've succeed in that, he'll grow to love me over her; he'll chose me when things get tough, he'll chose me to talk to, he'll chose me when he's lonely; he'll chose me to play with because after all,_** I am his son**_.


End file.
